Saturday, August 22, 2009

Richard Luschek II, Future Cincinnati Dead Artist!

So, it turns out that eventually I am going to die. I know! I'm as shocked at this as the rest of you. This is totally inconvenient since I have so much "stuff" I have to do.

Now, you may be wondering what prompted this morbid revelation. I am technically close to, or already at, 'middle age'. Of course, 'middle age' is relative. I can not be sure how long I will live, but we can assume that I am getting close to half way.
So, I figure I ought to start preparing for the 'Big Check Out'.

First things first- My tombstone. I fully expect that my friends and family will see to my wish that this monument, or one very similar, will be constructed in my honor. Subtle changes could be made. I would not be adverse to some additions of gold here and there, or that I be portrayed shirtless.

Click photo for a detailed look:

When you're an artist, one of the first subjects that will often come up with complete strangers is your death.

It sometimes seems inevitable that the conversation is going in that direction. You can feel it immediately- like they have been planning their whole life to say this to an artist should they ever meet one. People love to say it, and seem to think they are incredibly clever when they do (please read the following in your best hillbilly accent):

"You a artist huh? Too bad you ain't gonna make no money till you be dead."

Now, I really can't think of another profession where in polite conversation one focuses immediately on that persons imminent demise; even someone that has a dangerous job, like a stunt person, sword swallower, or drug dealer. It is just not good form to bring up the fact that they are going to die- unless of course you could prevent it by saying something like, "Hey, don't drink that deadly poison- you might die!" Then it's OK.

Unfortunately for me it is apparently bad form to give them a good swift kick in the groin. So I just give a polite chuckle and explain to them how much I would like to kick them in the groin.

I do believe people mean well when they bring up my post death worth as an artist, and honestly, they are just employing the terrible art education that they’ve received in our public school system. The only artists they can name are Van Gogh and Picasso. They know Picasso was good because an art teacher told them so, and everyone loves the romantic story of Van Gogh dying poor and crazy, as his paintings today sell for wildly over-priced amounts to rich people- also impressed with the romantic ideas of the guy they are now treating as an investment.

I show my work in galleries with artists that have the great benefit of having already died. This growing group is treated with special reverence. Some art collectors only buy work of dead Cincinnati artists. It is such a special group, everyone is dying to get into it- sorry about that one.

Since we all can agree that I am going to be "A Dead Artist", why don't we all get ready for it. Here is a count down.....

So, you are wondering how I came up with this date? I just have a feeling. I am planning to live to be about 96 years old. . I have substantial reason to believe this since my family is fairly long lived even though as a whole they are not at all health conscious. At functions we have desert before and after dinner. We eat tons of nasty food. Seriously, we are not the lean picture of health, but we live to ripe old ages anyway. (We complain and bitch about aches and pains, but we do it for a long time.)
Now, I am a vegetarian. I am pretty active. I am a safe driver. I don't smoke. Most dangerous sports and hobbies frighten me. So, 96 sounds about right don’t you think?. I am also a Virgo with control issues and like to keep things tidy, so to keep it simple I will just die on my birthday- September 22.

What is the point of all of this? Well, if people want so badly to talk about how I am going to be worth more when I’m dead then it follows that… Now is the best time to buy my work! In this economy you must ask yourself... "What should I invest the little bit of money I have left after the government takes their cut?" Ask your investment broker. I’m sure he will agree that "An Investment in the paintings of Richard Joseph Luschek II is a wise decision." Choose a Luschek painting and I guarantee that I will eventually die........ in roughly 56 years. Don’t forget: after my death the number of paintings I will be producing will be significantly fewer!
Less supply = more demand = big money!
Furthermore, along the way to September 22, 2065, it is a certainty that my painting’s prices will be steadily increasing (Promise and hope to die!). The longer you wait to buy one of my paintings the more you will have to shell out for one of them in the future. This is one investment you can enjoy the whole time it “hangs around” appreciating!

please note- that the more great art I create the higher your investment is likely to climb, and as I am continually improving, it is not in your best interest as an investor to kill me. So, don't get any stupid ideas.


Anonymous said...

perhaps you ought to die earlier, as well as more tragically and romantically. please weigh the relative merits of living to 96 and producing a lot of pictures, versus dying much sooner. since it is clear that your only motives are to make your pictures a better investment, every strategy should be evaluated for accomplishing this.

personally, i have no interest in waiting 56 years for my Luschek to appreciate geometrically in value.

honestly, richard, would you buy a municipal bond that had to be held 56 years? no investment advisor would approve such a ridiculous strategy.

perhaps if you guaranteed to us that you'd perish within ten years, and do so under extraordinary circumstances, your pictures would be a better investment. there are a lot of options for your death, and i would be glad to discuss these with you for a small fee. some likely candidates would be for you to die in a duel, or during the commission of some lame-brained bank robbery attempt, or while trying to assassinate Hugo Chavez. or there's always suicide.

perhaps you could do an epic painting of your own demise. i would buy that, particularly if your death was to be both slow, painful, and humiliating.

love the grave sculpture. did you hire Carolyn to do it, or are you as good a sculptor as you are a painter?


Dave said...

I think you just accidentally put a hit on yourself.

Keith Mann said...

I already have some of your artwork but since you're planning to die after me, it will do me no good. I suggest you stop painting immediately and take up intravenous drug use and crocodile-wrestling.

Scotty said...

I must agree with Keith. Having little chance of making it to 2065, your investment idea is of little value to me. Maybe we negotiate a mutually beneficial date for your demise?

Anonymous said...

Dear Richard the Lionhearted,

We laughed our heads off at your Blog on your future demise. Primo deadpan humor. Consider consulting an acting coach in order to develop a distinctive "Cough" one that uses the diaphragm effectively so that the "Cough" can echo loudly in any venue. Cough loudly at openings, preferably in front of your own paintings, develop a pallor, talk to yourself in public (Sort of a Plein Air Facebook.) These techniques will all be suggestive of your descent into madness, ill health and the inevitable closing of the "Factory" Don't go too far with the pallor palette or it may invoke a Vampire vibe; their factory never closes because they are of course - immortal. Imagine the fate of a Vampire artist; they can never paint "Plein Air" and they can never use the same model twice. Their work never goes up in value. The collector of a Vampire artist's work has a lot at "Stake."
Richard, you are a wonderful writer and artist - please keep painting and writing.
Keith and Margaret Klein

Marcus Adams said...

I haven't verified this, but apparently, most burial rights at a cemetery are only for 100 years. After that, they can move you unless you have living family members that care enough to pay and renew the lease.

That part stresses me out the most.